I finally made it back to california. I'm in hunnington beach, I wish I was in San francisco but I'm glad to finally see my best friend :) I'm probly going to be leaving really soon though, loike in afew days. But being around friends has made being clean alot easier... so thats cool.
Current Mood: content Current Music: bodyrox-yeahyeah
Usually I would have been bumbed out but for some reason I could care less. I couldn't get on the bus last night because of the wheather being super bad. I feel proud of myself cause sometime I can get a very bad temper. But I just went to sleep, I just look at it as one more day with my niece and sisters, one good night of sleep for once, and in a bed for once, my sister and her boyfriend slept on the couch and let me sleep in there bed. So I feel good for once. I really wasn't excited for that bus ride so it kinda relieving that I have another day to relax before I'm stuck cigarettesless, and sitting up straight for 2 straight days. I do hope that the road conditions are better so that I can leave tonight.
I'm leaving back to California today. Everyone is upset as usual. They don't think that I'll come back. My dad said when ever I'm gone he just waits for the phone call for him to come and identify my body. I don't feel like I live dangerously. I don't no why everyone worries so... I wish they wouldn't, makes me feel guilty, and I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be happy. But once I'm gone I get over the whole guilt thing. i just wish everyone could just be happy....
So I'm finally leaving tomorrow. Back to California. I'm not going home to SF yet but I'll be there on the 15th probably. I have such a one track mind. Probly cause I'm alone right now. Everything will get better once I'm with friends. I can't believe I left MN one year ago to see my best friend and I't took me un till tomorrow to finally acually drag ass there. I'm such a great friend.. Two longboring days on the greyhound I fucking hate greyhound :( Oh well its cheap.. And two days is nothing compared to how long I've been trying to get back home from visiting my family on christmas. I wish I would have gotten my meds refilled, thats gunna suck... Oh well I want to get off them anyway. But I'm totally "quiting" speed... and being off my meds is a deffinet relaps... God I'm soo trying to convince my self that I'm gunna stay cleen but Ive made fucking plans already for a few days from now. from all the way across the county, and I made these plans with my buddy like a fucking week ago. But I'm still going to lie to my self and pretend I'm gunna stay clean, just so that lying to everyone else will be easier. I really am going to be getting my gsd and a job and everything I told my family I was going to do when I got back home, but when it comes to getting high I have no self control, why would I stop...??
Why do I think about it obsessively its retarded. Haven't gotten high in 3 and a half months, I can't even believe I made it this long. I thought it was supposed to get easier and easier, but the longer I go with out shooting up the more my body yerns for it, to the point of burning up inside like right after a really nice shot of speed,I can feel that intence fucking burn, everything reminds me of it. It's kind of pathetic. But I just really really need to get high. I can't sleep or eat. I'm still not used to being sober, well I'm on prozac and serequil but i just don't feel like myself anymore ?I hate it. I used to be so happy and fun andcreative and pretty and skinny rant rant blah blah. fuck being clean, what was I thinking!!!!!!????
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