My boyfriend is gone. He wen to go make money in new york. I can't just sit here and wait for him. he's only been gone a week. but the longer he's away the harder it is for me to be here I came to see my family and introduce him. But now he's gone, so I don't have my buddy to hangout with. now I have to be here as though I live here. I don't even see anybody. I don't even feel like seeing any of my so called "friends" here, and I have a restraining oder from my mom so I can't see my little sister, and I don't really talk to my older sisters even when they come around. But I'm so used to constantly being on the move it's almost desturbing to just sit in one spot, tv, eating, and computer are three things im not used tospending alot of time doing, and I do like the internet but its the only thing I can think of to do in this winter horrorland. I'm doing alot of studying, which destracts me from thinking about Xavier, but being alone just makes me think, if i'm here visiting my family but I'm spending so much time alone than I'm wasting my time. I guess I'm getting shit together. I was gunna get my permit, I guess I'll work on that this week. Trying to maintain positivety, and project it, especially toward my boyfriend, keeping faith in him, and his recovory as well as mine. 

I'm just a very adventurous person. but taking time to be safe, healthy and build my knowledge is good. Once I get money though I might be bouncing outta here....

I will try to stay as long as I can but with out talking to him or knowing he's safe and okay, or inside... I can't just sit here... it's not me, now 
i have to sit alone and wait for him. no one in my family calls me to hangout or anything.... I'm not going to stay here lonely trying to destract my mind. I will not let him isolate me and leave me!!!! he used to do this on a smaller scale. I have to wait to tell him though..... I should probly work on getting an ID... no what do I need that for... 

I need to leave, to unfold.... her im folding smaller and smaller more and more insignificant, some people can sit around and listen to the sound of then rotting as the world passes them by. I'm strong I can't sit here while he works, I was to trave to, the one thing I asked him to do the one thing that would make me happy was to gett outta of her I begged and I cried and he said we had to give it a chance and then he left and that makes me so fucking pissed what and asshole. There are alot of this I want to care of here which I can't do if I leave.

So I'll just focuse on the goals i want to acomplish :)......

Current Location: Minnesota
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Hooks and splinter by Otep

•  almost a whole year ago since I've been back in minnesota to see my family, and attempt staying clean. I have a new boyfriend, well we've been going out for a little less than a year, and I have a giant monster kitty named trio. I want to leave minnesota, but  X loves it here and so I guess I'll try but I don't want to. but 
  
• I do.... We're gunna try getting a house. except right now he's acting like a stupid little bitch and sometimes I don't no if i'll be able to keep him around. I always get worried that people are gunna leave me cheat or fall outta love, but I usually end up fucking up and leaving them behind in someway or another. I wish I had my cat :( he's at the cat sitters until we can get a place, cause no body can have him around cause multiple people I no are allergic. But today the cat sitter called up to tell us we didn't have to pay since were tight on money, and instead we just have to help him shovel snow and do some house work so thats cool :) I'm really happy about that cause we don't have any money... we also have no where to put the cat as of tomorrow. so that sucks but atleast wedon't have to worry money :)

 I finally made it back to california. I'm in hunnington beach, I wish I was in San francisco but I'm glad to finally see my best friend :) I'm probly going to be leaving really soon though, loike in afew days. But being around friends has made being clean alot easier... so thats cool.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: bodyrox-yeahyeah

 

Sad I just finished watching the last episode. I can't believe it's over :(

Current Mood: dorky

Current Mood: bouncy

Current Mood: cheerful

I can't wait to get back to you...

Current Mood: anxious

Usually I would have been bumbed out but for some reason I could care less. I couldn't get on the bus last night because of the wheather being super bad. I feel proud of myself cause sometime I can get a very bad temper. But I just went to sleep, I just look at it as one more day with my niece and sisters, one good night of sleep for once, and in a bed for once, my sister and her boyfriend slept on the couch and let me sleep in there bed. So I feel good for once. I really wasn't excited for that bus ride so it kinda relieving that I have another day to relax before I'm stuck cigarettesless, and sitting up straight for 2 straight days. I do hope that the road conditions are better so that I can leave tonight.

Current Location: Mpls
Current Mood: amused

I'm leaving back to California today. Everyone is upset as usual. They don't think that I'll come back. My dad said when ever I'm gone he just waits for the phone call for him to come and identify my body. I don't feel like I live dangerously. I don't no why everyone worries so... I wish they wouldn't, makes me feel guilty, and I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be happy.
But once I'm gone I get over the whole guilt thing. i just wish everyone could just be happy....

Current Mood: excited

So I'm finally leaving tomorrow. Back to California. I'm not going home to SF yet but I'll be there on the 15th probably. I have such a one track mind. Probly cause I'm alone right now. Everything will get better once I'm with friends. I can't believe I left MN one year ago to see my best friend and I't took me un till tomorrow to finally acually drag ass there. I'm such a great friend.. Two longboring days on the greyhound I fucking hate greyhound :( Oh well its cheap.. And two days is nothing compared to how long I've been trying to get back home from visiting my family on christmas. I wish I would have gotten my meds refilled, thats gunna suck... Oh well I want to get off them anyway. But I'm totally "quiting" speed... and being off my meds is a deffinet relaps... God I'm soo trying to convince my self that I'm gunna stay cleen but Ive made fucking plans already for a few days from now. from all the way across the county,  and I made these plans with my buddy like a fucking week ago. But I'm still going to lie to my self and pretend I'm gunna stay clean, just so that lying to everyone else will be easier. I really am going to be getting my gsd and a job and everything I told my family I was going to do when I got back home, but when it comes to getting high I have no self control, why would I stop...??

Current Mood: contemplative